Character… What Can Kill It? #4 – “Controlling others” (Part Two)
* Last week we addressed how the selfish desire to control others can destroy our character. We analyzed some specific behaviors of those who have a sick desire to control other people’s life when often they are unable to control themselves.
* As believers in Christ we are responsible for our brother, but not in the sense of exerting control, rather in finding ways to help them, to redirect them when they are on the wrong path, and guiding them to a healthier lifestyle. To exercise pressure on others to acquire benefit for self flies in the face of “loving your neighbor as yourself.” Not good! We are not to go that route!
* I want to continue the analysis of some controlling behaviors that destroy our character, & damage family relationships, friendships, and hinder the expansion of the Kingdom of God.
* A controlling person is used to having their way - Usually in a healthy marriage or friendship, there is give and take; sometimes the husband has his way and sometimes the wife has her way. This is to be done in love. In a controlling relationship, the controller has a fixation to always have their way. Even when it is clear that the victim has the correct position/opinion the controller will not allow him/her to have what they want… Except on small matters… so that in all major things the controller will have the final say – If not… there is a big ruckus.
* The controlling person walks away from their responsibilities as a way to manipulate others – I have seen it so often, especially in the ministry… when it looks like the controlling person will not get his/her way, they say things like: “I am done here!” & they abandon their responsibility, leaving others hanging out to dry. Someone else then has to do their job. The controller usually does that at the worst possible times to show power. The victim (or victims in the case of a church), usually gives in and allows the bully to have his/her way to avoid humiliation. We cannot allow that kind of behavior!
* The controlling person finds ways to impose their will in every situation – Controllers want to impose their agenda in every situation THEY think is important for their self-promotion.
* The controlling person threatens to end the relationship – It happens in marriage… continually threatening divorce until the victim caves in.
* The controlling person threatens to commit suicide - In extreme cases, a spouse, close friend or family member may threaten suicide if they believe that it will get them care or attention or enable them to have their way. In most cases, they will not kill themselves if given the real chance, but they will play on the emotional strings of the victim who loves them & will continually give in to them to stop them from seemingly ending their life. But some controllers can actually reach the point of suicide if they don’t get their way, because they honestly believe that killing themselves is a punishment to others forgetting their own damage.
* The controlling person withholds physical affection – I have been in counseling situations where women use the power of sex to manipulate their husbands to get what they want. Even men withhold closeness in order to control their wives. This technique goes against what Scripture says (1 Co 7:5).
* Remember, it might not always be clear to the controlling person that he/she has a “controlling behavior”. I have met some people who are very high on the “controlling behavior scale”, but surprisingly they will say… “No, I don’t think I am a control freak!” They need to be made aware of it because of the damage they are inflicting to themselves and others. They need to grow up. Trying to control others for selfish reasons never meets ethical standards God established.
* The victim(s) needs to be empowered & not become codependent with the controller. In many cases they need to seek help from professional counselors. They need to be made aware that they are precious/valuable in God’s view and have no need to continue to walk in bondage. Controllers need to be brought to their knees (before God) and repent and have a serious adjustment in their character.
* Having control is such a wonderful thing in the controller’s mind… It’s hard to let go, but believe me… if you think you are in control… you are mistaken… you are not God! Need a character adjustment? Lent is a good time to do it!
* God bless us all! Join us for the Mid-week Lenten services – Wednesday evenings at 7:00 PM.
Rev. Don Sonntag
* Last week we addressed how the selfish desire to control others can destroy our character. We analyzed some specific behaviors of those who have a sick desire to control other people’s life when often they are unable to control themselves.
* As believers in Christ we are responsible for our brother, but not in the sense of exerting control, rather in finding ways to help them, to redirect them when they are on the wrong path, and guiding them to a healthier lifestyle. To exercise pressure on others to acquire benefit for self flies in the face of “loving your neighbor as yourself.” Not good! We are not to go that route!
* I want to continue the analysis of some controlling behaviors that destroy our character, & damage family relationships, friendships, and hinder the expansion of the Kingdom of God.
* A controlling person is used to having their way - Usually in a healthy marriage or friendship, there is give and take; sometimes the husband has his way and sometimes the wife has her way. This is to be done in love. In a controlling relationship, the controller has a fixation to always have their way. Even when it is clear that the victim has the correct position/opinion the controller will not allow him/her to have what they want… Except on small matters… so that in all major things the controller will have the final say – If not… there is a big ruckus.
* The controlling person walks away from their responsibilities as a way to manipulate others – I have seen it so often, especially in the ministry… when it looks like the controlling person will not get his/her way, they say things like: “I am done here!” & they abandon their responsibility, leaving others hanging out to dry. Someone else then has to do their job. The controller usually does that at the worst possible times to show power. The victim (or victims in the case of a church), usually gives in and allows the bully to have his/her way to avoid humiliation. We cannot allow that kind of behavior!
* The controlling person finds ways to impose their will in every situation – Controllers want to impose their agenda in every situation THEY think is important for their self-promotion.
* The controlling person threatens to end the relationship – It happens in marriage… continually threatening divorce until the victim caves in.
* The controlling person threatens to commit suicide - In extreme cases, a spouse, close friend or family member may threaten suicide if they believe that it will get them care or attention or enable them to have their way. In most cases, they will not kill themselves if given the real chance, but they will play on the emotional strings of the victim who loves them & will continually give in to them to stop them from seemingly ending their life. But some controllers can actually reach the point of suicide if they don’t get their way, because they honestly believe that killing themselves is a punishment to others forgetting their own damage.
* The controlling person withholds physical affection – I have been in counseling situations where women use the power of sex to manipulate their husbands to get what they want. Even men withhold closeness in order to control their wives. This technique goes against what Scripture says (1 Co 7:5).
* Remember, it might not always be clear to the controlling person that he/she has a “controlling behavior”. I have met some people who are very high on the “controlling behavior scale”, but surprisingly they will say… “No, I don’t think I am a control freak!” They need to be made aware of it because of the damage they are inflicting to themselves and others. They need to grow up. Trying to control others for selfish reasons never meets ethical standards God established.
* The victim(s) needs to be empowered & not become codependent with the controller. In many cases they need to seek help from professional counselors. They need to be made aware that they are precious/valuable in God’s view and have no need to continue to walk in bondage. Controllers need to be brought to their knees (before God) and repent and have a serious adjustment in their character.
* Having control is such a wonderful thing in the controller’s mind… It’s hard to let go, but believe me… if you think you are in control… you are mistaken… you are not God! Need a character adjustment? Lent is a good time to do it!
* God bless us all! Join us for the Mid-week Lenten services – Wednesday evenings at 7:00 PM.
Rev. Don Sonntag